Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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