Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
