no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
