theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You dont lie about slip and slides
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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