I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
