dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
