Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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