Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
