I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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