You smell like stripper and shame
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
