My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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