wat bout pragnant strippers??
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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