I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Randomize
