so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
