you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
