My liver just broke up with me...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
