It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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