I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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