Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
