i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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