mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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