I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
