i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
