9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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