Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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