Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
