i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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