At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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