sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
