did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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