So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
