just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
FUCK WHALES
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
