He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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