you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
