She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
