So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
