I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My cat gives me a boner
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
