So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
