Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
