I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
