4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
