im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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