i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
