I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
