peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
