Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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