Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
