yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
