just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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