i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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